Reconsidering Lesbianism or Sex Change Operative
November 12, 2008
I have been straight for 56 years and I will always be straight because there isn’t anything I can do about it, but I have recently considered expanding my libido choices. Now that the recession is in full swing, it wouldn’t hurt if I became bi-sexual in order to network in a more lucrative way. As a middle aged woman, sleeping my way to the top of the straight world is now impossible, but in the Lesbian community, my twat is still considered desirable.
I don’t want you to think that I am only interested in forwarding my career and social status. I admire the gay community and have always been envious of their parades, great bars and dance clubs, cute dogs and apartments, recipes and solidarity. Gay people tend to be creative outsiders who do not march to the drum of dumb-dumbs. As a straight person, I am surrounded with thick necked, football obsessed meatheads, PTA soccer moms, and pseudo intellectuals and artists who sit around their framed poster apartments over-intellectualizing about their world philosophy. They write a lot of bad poetry and spend most of their energy jerking off or feigning orgasm with their drab conclave partners.
There are no straight pride parades because straight people aren’t proud of being straight. I’m tired of being on the losing team, the sexual mandate of yester-year, which now, due to overpopulation, is dangerous for the planet. I feel no connection to my straight constituents because until recently I hadn’t had sex in four years, and even now I am only having sex about once every three months. Being that it’s straight sex, it doesn’t seem to count, especially since the man I am sleeping with can’t support me.
I have been hanging out in gay bars lately, trying to jumpstart a latent homosexual tendency that might catapult my life into overdrive. There I sit, straight, bored and boring, dulled down by my lack of horniness for innovative booty fare. Yes. The gay men love me and support me, because we share an obsession with penises and cabaret, but I feel like Lesbians are my lost sisters. They could lead me towards independence and true prosperity, away from torch singing self destruction ala Judy Garland.
There is a glitch. Like most straight women, I have been programmed to consider my body repulsive and drippy unless I am airbrushed. The dark cavern under my skirt is still suspect, even in the 21st Century, of being the Black Hole of Calcutta or worse, a sacred love canal leading to large child support payments. I’m stuck with it. Even if I had the money for a sex change operation, it wouldn’t work because I would want to sleep with straight men not gay men, and they wouldn’t have me. Then again, I might want to sleep with Lesbians and they wouldn’t have me either. What kind of career plan is that??
Note: Lesbian. The term is horrifying, isn’t it? “Gay” sounds less foreboding. Why do Lesbians have to be called Lesbians and Dikes, and gay men aren’t called “Buttbians” or “Dicks”? Is it a sexist thing? I suppose it doesn’t matter because if I became a Lesbian as a straight woman I would then be considered “bi”. If I could convince a gay man to sleep with me, I would be a “Tri.” From there, the numbers get too big to crunch. Mate swapping, orgies, gang rape. Let’s keep it simple:
If I became a “Lesbian” I would lose a lot of my gay male friends and they support my cabaret performances but the Lesbians are not going to help me get anywhere if they do not see potential for a flesh fest. I can’t go “both ways” because there is a great divide between Lesbians and Gay Men- an undercurrent of hostility, in Providence. A Lesbian friend: “Those assholes think they own the city. All that dress up Diva shit.” A gay friend: “Those dikes have no sense of humor. They’re not in drag, they are a drag.” At the risk of losing the thrust of this piece, no pun intended, what gives? Maybe they are each offended by the other’s choice, as much as some straight people are offended by both Lesbians and Gays, or straight people, like me, who are offended by straight people.
Can’t we all just get along, for my sake? I am considering Lesbianism and Gayness and Bi-ness and Tri-ness and group masturbation. I want to be a member of every group, every parade, every fund-raiser, every gallery opening, every bar and restaurant and night-club in the universe .I want each and every sexual orientation to believe that I am a member of their tribe, a proponent of their lifestyle. I am the one to call when an opportunity presents itself.
Why hedge my bets? Times are hard and getting harder. To stay “on top”, I intend to fuck anything that moves.
Photo: Laurel and Miss Kitty (First Lady of Providence?)
Laurel Casey
“Money, The Last Taboo.” Ongoing Audience Installation Project Receives Funding of 5 dollars From Shell Oil
July 12, 2008
The Money Project continues in full swing as I collect reaction data. Thus far I have handed out the money card to over 500 people. Approximately 33% laughed and did not give me 5 dollars. 20% laughed and gave me five dollars. 3 People gave me 10 dollars and refused the change. Comments ranged from “this is pan-handling, you know” to “Why aren’t you asking for $50 dollars” to “You’re Pathetic” to “Why?” to the ever-endearing reply, “are you serious?” 38% of the card receivers became flushed and inwardly hostile. Of these 38%, 35% were Republicans and 3% were Trust Fund Babies. Apres discussion with audience members/people on the street suggested emotional angst stemming from recognition of personal issues regarding money, specifically their wallet. The extraction of their wallet from purse or pant pocket evoked resentment, confusion, and PTSS. The fact that they were asked to borrow the money seemed worse than being asked to give the money outright, being that whenever they had lent money in the past, the relationship with the loanee became fraught with tension. This tension continued after the loanee repaid the money. The act of lending anything to anyone appeared to cause undue confusion, being that is suggested intimacy and boundary vulnerability. A small percentage of people were thrilled to open their fat wallets in order to reveal a thick wad of 100’s. Men with money clips were particularly excited to rip off a few twenties and stick them in front of my nose. When I said “I only want 5 dollars.” they were insulted and refused to contribute any money at all. Women were less likely than men to give me money, but seemed to get the “joke” immediately. They would often ask me if they could borrow 5 dollars as well, and we exchanged 5 dollar bills. Men watching these transactions showed a heightened level of sexual arousal. After several drinks men were able to tell me their feelings. “It made me feel cheap.” “I realized how much five dollars is worth to me” “I wanted something back for the five dollars.” “You remind me of my ex-wife.”
The Money Project will continue into next year. All proceeds go to the ASPCA.
Don’t Worry Kids!! I’m coming!
December 28, 2007
I glanced at my site today and two pages of it are about pants. I don’t have anything against pants, per se, but they had taken over my life, my website, my living room, my car, my brain. I was awake at night crunching pant numbers. Thankfully I was invited by a new friend, an artist, to see his work. I don’t know what happened to me, but both the artist and his work went right through me, Read more
Featured Article:
Thanks to some wise nightclubs owners, live entertainers continue to eat well during this economic downturn. It was during the Great Depression that Cabaret and Vaudeville got their start as people swarmed into the pubs to forget their troubles for a few hours. The cost/value ratio of live entertainment suits the recession pocket book and mind-set. If you stay home and wallow about your wallet, you’ll soon find yourself in the emergency room for a failed suicide attempt, chronic depression or Epstein-Barr Virus. Without health insurance, your stress-related illness will cost you upwards to $1,000 dollars. A night out in a cabaret will run you about $50. Take your pick. See you at The Sidebar….