Remember Who You Are.
December 16, 2008
We all get caught up in the panic of the times and attempt to squeeze ourselves into a suit of appropriateness. Determined to become employable. We bid low, offer extras, put ourselves on the resale rack: damaged goods, over-washed and shrunken merchandise, replacable, cookie cutter pity-pipsqueeks, we lay our heads down on the train tracks, listening for a vibration – the engine of opportunity – to run us over. Do we spend extra time on our hair? A little less time with our books? Are we reading the Yellow Pages again, looking for God Knows What? – an idea that’s marketable to the masses? Listen, if you’re a wash-out, congratulations. Why wouldn’t you be, standing in the rain, letting your smile be your umbrella, getting a mouthful. Spit it out and change into your most comfortable garment, and stop trying. Just sit back and remember who you are. That’s all you have to do. Everything else will simply come from the rediscovery of what gets you up in the morning – not what scares you into getting up, or forces you to get up. Now, lay down. Flat on your back. Stay there awhile. Remember who you are. There isn’t another crazy person like you on the planet, and you’ve a place here at the table. Just rest awhile, then get up and start living authentically, which means no unwanted intrusions, no soul-deadening excursions, no extraneous noise, no mind-numbing middle men, no frilly-feckless friends, no half-erect half-sober dead-eyed lovers. Clean out your drawers and don’t pay the electric bill. change the oil in your car. Get out a map of the United States and plan a permanent vacation. Run while you can, but don’t forget to take yourself with you this time.
RELIGIOUS SOIREE Canceled due to Acute Laziness- this WED at CHEZ DUMP!
December 16, 2008
Due to an accelerated holday ennui, all bets are off, all invitations withdrawn, every artist for himself. Let me offer you my Recession Stew Recipe, so that you can make it yourself. 4 lbs. Potatoes
6 lbs. onions
8 quarts chicken broth
1/2 pound salt
Heat, boil, scald and serve.
Happy Holidays to my wonderful fans!!
December 9, 2008
I would like to take this opportunity, as I stand in a bread line on Pawtucket Avenue, to thank the hundreds of crazy people who continue to support me against all odds. I love you very much. I just wish you had more contacts in the show business industry, for example, a half-uncle who runs a production company specializing in Fellini-eque films or documentaries about late bloomers, or a cousin once removed now casting a new TV comedy series based on the life of a Cabaret Singer from Vermont. Truthfully, if I did not need rent money, I would be pretty happy with the way things are right now. I have you guys in my life, in Boston, Providence, Sarasota, Provincetown, some of you still hanging in there, in NYC. Keep the cards and letters coming, and remember, Freedom’s Just Another Word for Nothing Left to Lose, but freedom is worth it.Show Me the Way to the Next Whiskey Bar
December 5, 2008
Oh, Moon of Old WoonSocket, We now must say good-bye, I’ve lost my dear old Mama, and I must have whiskey or I will die, Oh, Moon of Sad Prov-i-dence, we now must say good-bye, I’ve lost my shopping hobby, and must have whiskey and you know why…… 
Mona Lott Opens Burlesque Cleaning/Cooking Service: “Let Me Clean Your Clock and Cook Your Goose”
December 2, 2008
Mona Lott, once again unemployed due to unforseen circumstances is putting her talents to use as a singing and dancing cleaning lady. The Hands-Off operation, the first of its kind in Providence, Rhode Island, will be a joyful alternative to cleaning services that actually clean. “I kind of clean” says Mona. ” I mean, what does clean mean exactly? There’s clean, really clean, clean-enough, and hospital clean. Some people don’t want their house to smell like a hospital, some do. I work with each client on an individual basis.”
Interview with Mona:
What exactly is Burlesque as applied to the cleaning industry?
” It’s a very new concept meant to entertain clients who want to stay home and think instead of, say, go out to a strip joint. Although I do not strip, I wear a Victoria’s Secret outfit and very very high heels. I drink Whiskey and sing as I am, say, wiping out the toilet bowl or emptying the kitty litter. ”
Why would someone want to think while you’re singing in a garter belt?
“Because they don’t have enough time to think as they are often professional people with busy schedules. They are also too busy to clean and too busy to go to the movies. I combine both entertainment and cleaning for a great value. I can also cook dinner for my clients for an extra fee. I sing in French while cooking, in English while cleaning. I sing in various accents and choose one that matches the decor’ of the clients interior.
Do you supply cleaning supplies or cooking spices?
No. I am too busy working on various songs and dances for the client. The client is expected to have a complete cleaning kit available, including rubber gloves and a gas mask. If I am supposed to cook, they must have all the ingredients unless they hire me to shop for them, which I am happy to do, provided they have a recipe in mind and tell me if they have any allergies.
How do you screen clients so that you are not in danger in their home?
The screening process includes fingerprinting and a list of exceptional references, one reference must be someone I know very well and trust. I must also see a copy of their bank statement and social security card. I usually bring my dog with me when I work, and keep a gun close at hand as well as a can of mace. To prevent robbery, my clients must pay a hefty deposit up front, which will be returned after the performance/cleaning/cooking hour(s).
So you clean for parties?
I don’t clean before parties, I clean AT parties. I often ask the guests to help me, throwing them a damp cloth or sponge. Sometimes they just pick lint of each others clothing, but every little bit helps. That’s lint that might have ended up on the floor.
Do you have employees?
At the present time I am doing all the work myself. I have always been a solo performer, except for piano and bass, and find that one person can clean a house in about 1/2 hour if they are dancing a jig and singing “I Will Survive.” If a client requests musical accompaniment for my songs, the musicians are expected to clean during their breaks, usually the bathrooms because they like to search for prescription drugs in the medicine cabinets. They of course ask for permission.
Why did you start this business?
I have always loved to clean, ever since I was a little girl. I also like to sing, so it made sense to me to combine my two passions. I also find that lately, due to the affects of deregulation, I am flat broke, and by that I mean, I don’t have any money. I find that I need money to buy things to eat and pay for a room to sleep in.
How much do you charge?
A flat rate of 100 dollars an hour, the same as a call-girl, except that there is no touching allowed in my business and I don’t think call girls sing and dance and tell funny jokes. I know for a fact that they don’t clean, ever.
How do you know that?
I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might cremate me.
Featured Article:
Dumb- Ster
The cop looked in the dumpster and noticed a picture of his wife. He had just received a complaint from the Olympic Sports store that someone had dumped bags of garbage in their dumpster. That someone was me. I’d cleaned out a few drawers of hometown memories that morning, – high school notebooks, graduation pictures, diplomas, clippings and headed into what I thought was a free-for-all dumpster tucked behind a strip mall. After I threw the bags into the dumpster I took a walk with the dog and when I returned to my car I was met by the policeman and the assistant manager of the Olympic Sports store. Read more »